Code of Misconduct
by depayser
Summary: For the crew of Monkey D. Luffy, all this adventuring is slowly getting out of hand. So they draw up a set of rules to make life on board the Thousand Sunny easier … well, they say hope always dies last. … Rule 14: The captain is strictly prohibited from entering the pantry. This has nothing to do with lack of respect, it's a measure vital to survival …
1. Code of Misconduct

**Genre:** Humour, Friendship

 **Summary:** For the crew of Monkey D. Luffy, all this adventuring is slowly getting out of hand. So they draw up a set of rules to make life on board the Thousand Sunny easier … well, they say hope always dies last.

 **Disclaimer:** I once dreamt it was mine ...

* * *

 **#**

 **Code of Misconduct**

 **#**

1\. The captain's hat is the most sacred relic of the straw hat pirates.

\- Keep your hands off it!

\- Don't you dare steal it!

\- Damaging it will not end well for you!Should you encounter the hat without its owner anywhere in sight or hearing distance, you are obliged to deliver it to the  
captain immediately. That applies to crew members, ship guests, friends, acquaintances, distant acquaintances and prisoners as well as former and current enemies.

This is the first and supreme rule of the Straw Hat policy. Everyone failing to meet it will be keelhauled without further discussion.

#

2\. This is the Thousand Sunny, ship of the future Pirate King.

\- Board at your own risk.

\- Harassment has to be taken into account.

\- Expect the worst.

#

3\. Monkey D. Luffy is the captain of the Thousand Sunny.

\- This is not up for debate!

 _You guys should know better by now. - Usopp_

#

4\. Your opinion will always be secondary to his.

\- This applies to ALL crew members.

\- This applies to friends as well as allies.

\- It doesn't matter how mad the captain's ideas are.

\- Don't bother. Your arguments won't reach the necessary synapses anyway.

\- Just deal with it.

#

5\. You are not to question:

\- The captain's choice of course.

\- The captain's choice of friends.

\- The captain's choice of food.

 _It would be better for your mental health if you didn't. - Zoro_

 _#_

6\. Crazy adventures are a daily fare. Keep calm and PANIC!

#

7\. If you have any problems, don't turn to the first mate. He won't understand.

 _We have a fist mate? - Zoro_

#

8\. Whoever leaves the ship together with Zoro is responsible for him.

\- This rule remains in effect until he is safely back on the ship.

 _Not somewhere near to the ship. ON the ship! - Nami_

 _You're such a dork, Zoro! - Luffy_

#

9\. Once you pick a fight, you are to win it.

 _I don't care how many tries it takes! - Luffy_

#

10\. Wait until you are fully healed before you pick another fight.

 _Doctor's orders. - Chopper_

 _So what? - Luffy_

#

11\. Nami's maps are off limits.

 _This is for your own good, believe me guys. - Usopp_

 _I believe you. - Brook_

#

12\. The same goes for:

\- Luffy's hat (see rule 1) _(It can not be said often enough. - Nami)_

\- Zoro's swords

\- Sanji's pots and knifes

\- Brook's guitar _(For he is the only one who CAN play it. - Sanji)_

\- Choppers medicine _(And the rumble balls. Last time was a disaster that does not need to be repeated. – Usopp)_

\- Everything that is not yours!

#

13\. Do not hide Sanji's cigarettes. It's not funny.

 _It was. - Zoro_

 _Ignore the last comment, the author is a brain-dead ape! - Usopp_

#

14\. The captain is strictly prohibited from entering the pantry.

\- This has nothing to do with lack of respect, it's a measure vital to survival.

 _I don't care how he managed to convince you to break into the strongroom, Torao! Next time you'll walk the plank! - Sanji_

#

15\. Should Zoro kneel over in his drunken stupor, just leave him there.

\- Do not tie him upside down to the mast!

\- Being drunk does not qualify him as baitfish!

 _If you hadn't blown it Nami, we would have gotten that sea king! Right, Usopp? - Luffy_

 _You blithering idiot! - Usopp_

 _So it was the two of you! I should have known! - Zoro_

#

16\. Don't tell Brook that he is going grey. Or bald.

\- Not even for fun.

#

17\. From this day on Brook is forbidden from ever setting foot into a church again.

\- This rule also applies to any other kind of religious building or meeting place.

 _We don't want the "resurrection of the flesh" to be taken the wrong way. - Robin_

 _I didn't know they would react like that. - Brook_

 _Yes, you did! - Nami_

#

18\. No skull jokes in the presence of wounded or dying people as well as their kinsmen.

\- It's downright insensitive!

#

19\. Allies are not to be force fed.

\- Especially not if they said that they just don't like bread!

 _He was having an allergic reaction. - Chopper_

 _If we just try hard enough we can cure him from this terrible disease! - An idiot_

#

20\. Do not try to reenact one of "Captain Usopp's Great Adventures". People have tried before and it went horrendously wrong.

#

21\. If you were drawn by lot, you are going, end off discussion!

\- Must-Not-Get-On-This-Island disease does not exist.

#

22\. The Chicken Voyage is a emergency manoeuvre only. It is not a merry-go-round.

#

23\. If you are about to carry out a Coup the Burst, kindly inform the others beforehand.

 _Just do it! Or I'll wipe the floor with you! - Nami_

#

24\. The captain is only allowed to drive the Black Rhino FR-U IV if another crew member is also on board and said crew member is capable – physically as well as mentally - of warning civilians.

\- The same rule applies to the Brachio Tank V.

\- The Shark Submerge III is only an exception from this rule if there are no fishmen around. Or sea kings for that matter.

 _If you cling to life, just don't let him steer. - Zoro_

#

25\. From now on cannon fire competitions are strictly prohibited.

\- This includes the Gaon Cannon.

\- This above anything else includes the Gaon Cannon.

\- Gaon. Cannon. Got it?!

 _I don't care where you got the other ones from! Get them off the ship now! - Franky_

#

26\. All swimming classes for devil fruit users are to cease immediately.

\- Even if they take place in the fish tank!

 _Face it boys, you are lost causes. - Usopp_

 _Who had that madcap idea anyway?! - Nami_

#

27\. No sharks in the fish tank. The first time was enough!

\- The same applies to sea kings ( _Even baby sea kings! - Nami)_

\- And fishmen.

#

28\. The fish tank is for fish and fish only. No more experiments.

 _Why are you all so obsessed with it anyway? - Franky_

#

29\. On board the Thousand Sunny following beings do not qualify as pets:

\- Fishmen _(It's quite sad that they even have to be mentioned on this list. - Nami)_

\- Sea kings _(Really boys, anything related to sea kings is forbidden! - Sanji)_

\- Anything bigger than the ship

\- Anything heavier than the ship

\- Anything poisonous

\- Anything able to breath fire _(Franky, Nami just kicked you out. - Usopp)_

\- Zombies ( _Before Thriller Bark I would never have dreamed that this needs writing down. - Nami)_

\- Anything out of a ghost train _(And there goes Brook. - Usopp)_

\- Freaks

 _Who are you to decide that?! I am the captain! I can do whatever I want! - Luffy_

#

30\. If it tries to eat a crew member, get rid off it.

\- It doesn't matter how cute it is.

#

31\. If it looks dangerous, smells dangerous, feels dangerous or sounds dangerous, then it IS dangerous. Leave it alone!

\- Neither captain nor first mate are the right people to assess the situation.

 _Neither is Robin. - Usopp_

 _Don't pick on the girls!- Sanji_

#

32\. Under following circumstances, a crew member is entitled to declare a state of emergency:

\- The captain's hat went missing.

\- All the meat is gone.

\- The flag was stolen. Again.

#

33\. Following events do NOT count as emergencies:

\- The sake is gone. _(But it is! It is! - Zoro)_

\- A crew member went missing. _(The'll show up eventually. Hopefully. - Usopp)_

#

34\. On some occasions, the booze must be sacrificed for the greater good.

#

35\. Living is a right, not a privilege.

#

36\. Murder is prohibited, unless:

\- It's for the captain.

\- The bastard had it coming!

#

37\. Zoro's hair is green. That doesn't give you the right to put fertilizer in his shampoo. Or flowers in his hair.

#

38\. No sexually suggestive comments about the captain. Ever.

\- That includes cheap jokes about rubber.

\- Jokes from visitors won't be tolerated either (not even from friends and allies!).

\- It doesn't matter how drunk you are!

\- Just save your breath. He won't understand anyway.

 _He is just a kid, damn it! - Zoro_

#

39\. The navigator is not permitted to introduce the male crew members as her "lover boys" (see rule 38).

#

40\. Nobody is to mention the name of their crew or ship after they managed to antagonise a whole island.

\- Under no circumstances.

#

41\. Strategic retreat is not the same as cowardice.

#

42\. If you have to get somebody sloshed please abstain form the captain.

\- We all value our lives.

\- He is bad enough as it is.

#

43\. No more drinking contests.

\- Seriously.

#

44\. On board the Thousand Sunny, wearing clothes covering at least your private parts is compulsory.

\- It's not up for debate.

\- This rule applies to ALL crew members, male AND female.

 _Enough is enough. We do have a reputation to loose. - Usopp_

#

45\. Only licensed musicians are authorized to play an instrument on board the Thousand Sunny.

\- Regardless of the time of day.

\- Singing will only be tolerated at parties or under supervision.

#

46\. We do not have an official crew song nor do we need one.

#

47\. The Straw Hat Pirate Crew does not hold a competition for "The Member Of The Month".

#

48\. The captain is allowed to officiate marriages.

\- The captain is obliged to obtain the lucky couples' permission before he does so!

 _I just wanted to... - Luffy_

 _Shut up! - Nami_

#

* * *

" _Hmm", Usopp held up the piece of paper, which by now looked worse for wear. "That's a bummer."_

 _Sanj took his hands out of the sink and raised a questioning eyebrow. Usopp waved the sheet at his face._

" _You know, forty-eight is such a … lame number. I had hoped we would meet the fifty."_

 _Sanji chuckled to himself as he tied the apron around his waist. "Come off it Usopp. We are the Straw Hat pirates", he said with a smirk. "Give it another week or two and we will meet the hundred."_

 _Usopp sighed, but put the paper down and took the cup set out for him on the counter. "You're right, I guess I should be grateful", he admitted and took a sip of his drink - only to promptly spit it out again_

" _Sanji! That's the worst cup of coffee I've ever had in my life!"_

" _You dare insulting my – You stupid sod. That's not coffee, that's dishwater."_

" _Pardon me", Usopp replied and wiped his mouth with his sleeve. "In that case it's very tasty."_

 _Sanji tipped his forehead and went back to work._

" _Speaking of trouble", Usopp mused as he poked around his drink with a spoon. "Do you know where Zoro went off to? Last time a saw him was two days ago ..."_

" _Like I care. Probably got lost. Damn that Marimo, always getting into trouble - "_

 _Sanji was cut off by when the kitchen door flew open and nearly unhinged from it's frame. Zoro came stumping into the room, there was no doubt that he was pissed off. He stopped in front of the counter, pulled the paper towards himself and began scribbling on it as if the devil itself was on his heals. Said devil turned out to be Nami who appeared behind him in the doorway only moments later. Zoro leaned back against the counter, crossed his arms over his chest and challenged her with a glare. Nami cracked her knuckles at him._

 _Usopp thought it was time to make a quick escape and leave them to it. He snatched up the paper and with a quick "see ya" darted past Nami to the door._

" _Oy oy!", Sanji grunted and ripped off his apron. "No fights in my kitchen! Marimo, leave the lady alone and - " The crash nearly blew his eardrum._

" _Impressive", he acknowledged the dent in the counter which hadn't been there a second ago. "Wait for me, Usopp. I'm coming along."_

 _They dashed down to the deck away from the war zone. Usopp shook his head sorrowfully as he made himself at home on the lawn and turned his attention towards the new rule which had made it into their code. Sanji bent over his shoulder so that he could read along._

* * *

49\. Crew members are not to be sold, loaned, lent out or in any way exchanged for money, treasure, food or other goods.

* * *

" _Had to happen sooner of later",Usopp declared loudly over the screams of agony coming from the kitchen. Sanji nodded wordlessly._

 _Zoro told his story over dinner. To be more precise, he yelled a tirade into Nami's face while his own turned as green as his hair._

 _Luffy thought it horrendously funny and spent more time rolling on the floor with laughter than devoting himself to gluttony, which for a change led to the crew going to bed happy and sated – apart from Zoro who had spent most of the evening running around the deck trying to escape from Nami and the enormous battle axe which had materialised under mysterious circumstances._

Sanji's damn right _, Usopp reckoned to himself as he turned over on his cot and thought of the peace of paper pinned to the mast. They would tackle the hundred in no time. He fell asleep._

 _In the end Usopp didn't even have to wait another day. The next morning, the sheet of paper greeted him with a new rule scribbled down in a terrible chicken scrawl._

50\. Rules are bendable. _\- The captain_

 _He didn't bother to remove it._

 **~ TBC ~**

* * *

AN: Short, but incredibly fun to write. There are tons of stories I hope to type up, but by brain kept on bothering me with this …

A "code for pirates" is not exactly a new idea, so I went ahead and made one myself. I have never read a similar story about One Piece. Are there any? I would love to read them.

While I was writing, halfway through the story I realized: It's the Stawhats! They wouldn't be stopped from doing what they wanted by something as stupid as a code. That's how rule 50 came to be.

As for TBC: This does have a second chapter. So, if you liked it please be so kind and let me know one way or another. That inspires.


	2. Matters of Concern

**Genre:** Humour, Friendship

 **Summary** : A small collection of drabbles. Featuring Luffy, together with crew and sidekicks, all in top form, living it up and down. A little silly, a little absurd and in places downright dopey.

 **Warnings:** Violence, blood, gore, alcoholism, gluttony, more than one typo and creative writing style – let's see how you cope.

* * *

 **~ Matters of Concern ~**

 **or: A selection of situations that made the code absolutely inevitable.**

* * *

 **Rule 6: Apocalypse in sight – or: And I think to myself, what a wonderful world …**

#

 _Crazy adventures are a daily fare. Keep calm and PANIC!_

#

"Usopp-san!", Brook wheezed out as he came sliding through the door.

"Hmm?", Usopp asked without looking at him and kept flipping the pages of his book.

"Marines are attacking!", Brook panted.

"Hm."

"They are shooting at us!"

"Hm."

"And Zoro is still asleep!"

"Hm."

"I don't know where Sanji is! He jumped into the ocean after Chopper fell in but they didn't resurface! That was ten minutes ago!"

"Hm."

"And Luffy-san can't help us either! He got eaten by a Sea King!"

"Ah."

"..."

"..."

"This is an emergency!", Brook finally exploded. "At least try to look bothered!"

Usopp sighed and set the book down. "You know", he said and finally looked up to the skeleton. "I survived too many ends of the world already. I can't even pull off a proper panic attack anymore."

Brook's jaw dropped open and the look of horror became apparent on his skull.

"Just give it some time", Usopp patted his boney arm sympathetically and took up his book again. "The need to panic will pass quickly."

"I don't want it to pass!", Brook wailed as he turned around and stumped back through the door.

When Brook realized that the urgent need to panic did indeed pass over time, he quickly put a new rule on the board. Wouldn't that take the cake?!

* * *

 **Rule 13: Cursed addiction – or: How Sanji would not have picked up his smoking habit if he had known that one day Zoro would take the piss out of it.**

#

 _Do not hide Sanji's cigarettes. It's not funny._

#

After the incident, the crew would blame it on Chopper. After all he was the one who started the lecture "smoking is bad for your health" over dinner. Admittedly it was Luffy who decided to hide the cigarettes, a fact that somehow, probably for the better, was forgotten during the chaos that followed.

The core of the problem was that Sanji, plagued by symptoms of withdrawal, went over to smoking almost everything he could roll. It started rather innocently with grass from the lawn, much to the amusement of the rest of the crew. Then he switched to the leaves of the tangerine trees, the cord of the swing and in a moment of absence of mind, to one of Franky's swimming trunks.

Sanji didn't talk much anymore. All he did was glower. Still, his food tasted as good as always so nobody had anything to complain about – apart maybe from the regular fights that usually started with Zoro laughing his ass off.

It got out of hand when one of Nami's precious sea maps went missing. Luffy thought it hilarious. The crew didn't. Two days later when they deemed it safe to come out of their hiding places, one of the sails was gone.

The proverbial straw was delivered by Usopp, who stormed the mens' quarters and announced that somebody had stolen his pop greens. He furiously explained that whoever took them was to give them back immediately for they had a very interesting effect on the human body.

He never got his pop greens back. Instead they had sandwiches with dried fruit and pine cones for dinner. It was only when a stupidly smiling Sanji, high as a kite, served them roasted meat in machine oil, that Luffy – who had up to this moment even eaten the most ridiculous of creations without complain – finally agreed to docking on the next island to buy some cigarettes.

* * *

 **Rule 16: Grandpa on board, the good kind – or: No fool like an old one.**

#

 _Don't tell Brook that he is going grey. Or bald._

 _\- Not even for fun._

#

It was not the first time the Straw Hats realized that expecting teamwork from Zoro and Sanji was too much to ask for. But for god's sake, they were only supposed to sharpen the kitchen knifes. And who would be more qualified for the job than the resident swordsman? Zoro however seemingly couldn't bear the thought of doing Sanji a favour and Sanji himself couldn't seem to except Zoro's help.

Sanji's comment – "There is a dent in this one, algae man!" – was enough to set off another fight.

"Like hell there is! The only thing with a dent here are your eyes, blondy!"

"What did you just call me, gormless blade bender?!"

"You heard me, love cook! Or are your ears bent as well?"

"That one's not even sharp!", Sanji twirled a knife dangerously close under Zoro's nose.

"Of course it's sharp!", Zoro defended his skills and promptly looked around for something to demonstrate it on. The blade turned out to be razor-sharp – Brook didn't even stir in his sleep when Zoro reached over and cut off a fist full of curly afro.

After a fight which took down the stairs leading to the upper deck, both called it a draw and went their own way.

The scream of terror coming from the bathroom the same evening should have been enough for the two to reconsider their ways – not that any of them even spared a thought.

"Here I am!", Brook yelled as he stood in front of the mirror and grabbed his hair in horror. "Already nothing more than hair and bones and now I'm going bald!"

With that he fled from the bathroom, jumped over a confused Franky who was busy fixing the stairs and threw himself off the railing into the water.

Drawn in by the commotion the rest of the Straw Hats assembled on deck where they were met with an astonishing scene: Franky, soaking wet, bobbing up and down in the wake of the ship and Brook in the distance hurtling over the waves, disappearing into the sunset.

The next day all hair-care products on the nearby island were sold out. Instead no one could set a foot into the bathroom with all the packing blocking the doorway. On top of that the Straw Hats were considerably poorer than the day before.

All in all you could only say that Nami was anything but amused when two weeks later, Zoro and Sanji managed to tip out a whole package of flour over Brook's afro because Luffy claimed he was bored.

* * *

 **Rule 19: A terrible infliction – or: How hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world.**

#

 _Allies are not to be force fed._

 _\- Especially not if they said that they just don't like bread!_

#

Trafalgar Law's first thought as he woke up in the sickbay aboard the Thousand Sunny was, that he had to get the ceiling of his own sickbay in the submarine painted as soon as possible. Something with bright colours or interesting patterns. Only with the wellbeing of his patients in mind, of course, for the simple reason that nobody wanted to be confined in bed and be forced to stare at the same sight of miserable beige and white for days on end.

His second thought was devoted to his throat. It felt sore and swollen and altogether hurt like a bitch. He suppressed a cough. Definitely not a good idea.

With his third thought he tried to make sense of the situation. Why was he in the sickbay in the first place? Why did his throat hurt like hell? And why by the seas was his ally and captain of a notorious pirate crew, Monkey D. Luffy, lying on top of his chest, his arms around Law's neck, rubbing his cheek against Law's own while _screaming_ into his ear that everything would be alright? Were that tears dropping into his hair?

"It's gonna be alright! Don't worry Torao! You can count on us! We are your friends after all! We'll fix you, I promise! I swear on my life! Just hold on!"

Law gave out a pathetic whine which actually translated to "get off me you freak" but which Luffy interpreted as a expression of distress.

"Oh Torao!", Luffy wailed and sat up without removing his arms from Law's neck, thus pulling Law's upper body from the bed into a very uncomfortable position. Luffy was sobbing in earnest now. "I feel so sorry for you! So sorry!"

Law swallowed heavily and tried to take shallow breaths through his nose. It didn't help with his burning throat or strained lungs. By now his shirt was wet with tears. Wait, that was not the shirt he had put on this morning. Had somebody changed him? How long had he been out?

Law took advantage of his new position and glanced around the room. On the swivel chair in the corner sat Chopper, the self proclaimed not-racoon-dog, clad in a white lab coat and casting sympathetic glances at him. The rest of the room was filled out by the gigantic frame of Franky the cyborg who didn't even try to hide his tears.

"Destiny can be so harsh!", he sobbed and wiped his huge hand over his face. "What a tear-jerker! I feel so sorry for you, you poor bastard!"

"Wh – ahh?", Law rasped out before all of the air in his lungs was again squeezed out by Straw Hat and the rubbery arms that were by now wound around his chest thrice. He threw a desperate glance at Chopper and sure enough the reindeer jumped out of his chair to make his way over to the bed.

He hopped up onto the mattress and tapped Luffy lightly on the leg, who promptly retracted his arms so that Law fell inelegantly back into the sheets. Chopper watched Law struggle into a sitting position as he made himself comfortable.

"It was Luffy's fault, really", Chooper launched into his tale while pointing at Luffy. Of course it was Straw Hat's fault. Nearly everything that went wrong on this ship was Straw Hat's fault. Luffy did not in the least give off the impression of a man who had sent somebody to the sickbay. Law did not know what Straw Hat was crying about, but he was certain that it was not guilt.

"At dinner he decided to make you eat a sandwich. You kinda chocked on it and passed out. Your throat started to swell, so I decided it was best to have you intubated. Just in case."

Aha, so he had had an allergic reaction. That was a first for him.

"Do you normally have allergic reactions to food?", Chopper asked as if he was swimming in Law's stream of thoughts.

Law, who still didn't fully trust his voice not to embarrass him, shrugged his shoulders and tilted his hand – the best impression of "sometimes" he could pull off in his state – whilst trying his best to avoid Luffy's hands which were dead set on catching hold of him. Chopper seemed to understand him all the same. That guy truly was a talented linguist. Maybe it had something to do with body language and his animal senses?

"You've been unconscious for nearly two days", Chopper nodded thoughtfully.

Law nearly gapped in shock and thus gave Luffy the perfect opportunity to latch onto his hands. He tried to pull them out of the grip but Luffy merely stretched with his movements and so he resigned himself to his fate.

"I ne – vr", he cleared his throat. Ouch. "I never had – had a reaction to bread before. Just don't _like_ it."

That was a mistake, a bad, bad mistake. Suddenly it was dead silent in the room and Law felt an icy shiver run down his spine.

"Don't you worry!", Luffy vowed with gleaming eyes. "I'll cure you! Leave it to me!"

This time the whimper leaving Law's abused throat was a sound of distress.

Law had never understood why it should be a problem that people didn't like certain kinds of food. But then again, he had never met a glutton before in his life. As it turned out for a person like Monkey D. Luffy, a person to whom the act of ingesting food was the very statement to being alive, not eating a certain type of food was, apparently, a horrible infliction. And Trafalgar Law was the inflicted.

You would think that as a pirate of the Worst Generation Trafalgar Law would have the determination as well as the skills to either escape his pursuer or chop him into tiny pieces. However, instead of body parts flying around the ship, one could see Monkey D. Luffy skipping around the deck the following week, clearly on a mission, with a loaf of bread under his arm and a fork at the ready. Unlike Luffy, no one saw much of Trafalgar Law these days. He spent most of the week doing his earnest to stay out of sight – a plan which failed more often than not and always ended with a hellish mouthful of bread as well as a lengthy coughing fit. Why in the world did he even put up with this?

Because his mind was a traitor, that's why. He might have lost his family a long time ago, but that something that had once made him a big brother was still inside him and Luffy, as the youngest of three, was a master at using that against him. So every time Law saw Luffy heading towards his hiding place giving him the _puppy dog eyes_ there would be this strange pulling sensation behind his sternum making him freeze for a second, giving the other just enough time to stuff another hateful piece of bread down his throat.

The sixth day after Law's release from the sickbay, Usopp stumbled into the kitchen where Sanji was busy baking bread – he did little else these days – and fell into a chair. His dazed eyes found Sanji's who immediately knew what was going on.

He sighed. "They're at it again?"

"I've never seen anything like it", Usopp mumbled and gratefully took the cup of tea Sanji passed him over the counter. "He did Torao up like a kipper. At one point I swear the poor guy was crying."

Sanji growled to himself. "Shitty captain. Wasting precious bread like that." He opened the fridge to pull out some rice balls he had hidden in the back and dropped his dish towel on the counter.

"Watch the oven for me, will you", He called to Usopp over his shoulder and with that disappeared through the door.

Sanji found the two idiots on the lawn near the bow, together with a huge pile of fresh bread. Luffy had impaled a whole loaf on his fork and used it to squash Trafalgar's head against the wall.

"Stop it, Straw Hat-ya", he heard the victim curse and watched him trying to push Luffy away. The other didn't move an inch.

"No! I promised I would heal you", Sanji heard him declare.

"I'm sorry, Straw Hat-ya, but you don't know _shit_ about healing."

"I know, that's why I got Chopper", Luffy stated proudly.

"Then leave the healing to him!"

"But I wanna help!"

"What, you don't trust him to manage on his own?!" Trafalgar had finally managed to push Luffy off him.

"I never said that! Don't put words into my mouth!", Luffy thundered and bent the fork in his clenched fist.

"Then stop putting bread into mine!"

"So ungrateful!", Luffy huffed and was insolent enough to look at Law as if he was the abuser.

"Okay, how about a compromise then?", Trafalgar tried his luck.

"Compromise?", Luffy asked and tilted his head questioningly.

"A deal."

"Ohhh."

"You'll leave the healing to Chopper."

"But-"

"And until I'm cured from this … terrible infliction, you can eat all the bread Sanji has been baking for me. Deal?"

Sanji swore that he could see Luffy's eyes turn into loafs of bread.

"Deal", Luffy wiped the drool of his mouth before they shook hands on it.

"And by the way, Straw Hat-ya" Trafalgar said as he brushed his wet palm off on the gras. "You should stay far away from me, I might be contagious."

Sanji put the rice balls down on the deck as he listened to Luffy's scream of terror and watched him disappear below deck to search for Chopper – naturally not without taking his pile of bread with him.

 _Damn it Trafalgar_ , Sanji thought and lit up a cigarette, _you really got him handled_.

* * *

 **Rule 22: Pirate playground – or: Round and round we go.**

#

 _The Chicken Voyage is a emergency manoeuvre only. It is not a merry-go-round._

#

When Nami stepped on deck, everything was still alright with the world. The sky was blue and the strong sea breeze played in her hair. She smiled as she turned her head towards the back of the ship. They were making good progress on their way to the island she could see on the horizon and Chopper, who came flying through the air past her , didn't crash onto the planks but was cushioned by the back sail. It was a nice and calm da- now wait a moment.

Reindeers couldn't fly, this morning they had been stuck in a considerate calm and ships _did not sail backwards_.

She turned towards the bow just in time to see Usopp loosing his grip on the madly spinning figurehead and hitting the lawn with a sickening thump. Luffy had his limps tightly wrapped around the lion's mane and laughed like a child. Brook just barely hung on with his fingertips. The flow of air created my the spinning mane had the strength of a small hurricane.

For a moment Nami considered mass homicide. Then she simply turned around and went back under deck.

* * *

 **Rule 25: Food fight – or: The devil wears … red?**

 _#_

 _From now on cannon fire competitions are strictly prohibited._

 _\- This includes the Gaon Cannon._

 _\- This above anything else includes the Gaon Cannon._

 _\- Gaon. Cannon. Got it?!_

#

The sound of explosions was nothing unusual for the crew on board the Thousand Sunny. Therefore Franky didn't suspect any trouble when he stepped onto the lawn to investigate the cause.

"That was pathetic", he could make out Usopp's voice. He and Luffy stood near to the figure head next to two possibly ancient canons and gazed towards a nearby island.

"Try doing it yourself then, you git!", Luffy bit out and pointed at the lone rock piercing the waves not far from the shoreline.

"Well, then. I guess it's time for the master to step on stage", Usopp declared and pushed Luffy out of the way. "Now watch and learn." He fired the canon.

Franky climbed up the stairs to the bow and reached the rail just in time to see the tip of the rock burst into splinters. He whistled "A _super_ shot!"

"Damn it Usopp!", Luffy groused and kicked his friend in the shin. "You cheated!"

"As if I would need to!", Usopp defended himself whilst punching Luffy in the head. "You couldn't hit the broad side of a barn!"

"So not true!"

"You're just a sore looser! Face it, the last desert is mine!"

Luffy glared at him for a moment, then puffed out his chest and stomped down the stairs.

"I would be more careful, playing for food with Luffy", Franky said to Usopp as he watched their captain disappear from sight. "You're playing with fire."

"Nonsense", Usopp waved him off. "It was just a little fun. Seriously, what's the worst that could happen?"

The answer came seconds later, when a high and powerful screech tore through the calm sounds of the ocean, the ship seemed to rear up and the whole world was suddenly tainted in blue. A massive beam of bright light shot towards the already abused rock, barely grazed it's flank and tearing it to shreds, before the beam crashed into the left side of the island and reduced it to rubble.

"He didn't", Usopp muttered, completely aghast and watched the smoke rise high into the sky. From below the bow they could hear the muffled sounds of cheering.

"He did", Franky confirmed.

* * *

 **Rule 26: Plain stupidity – or: Where there's a will there's a way but some things are just going to far.**

#

 _All swimming classes for devil fruit users are to cease immediately._

 _\- Even if they take place in the fish tank!_

#

The initial idea had been a good one – at least afterwards all involved had been swearing black and blue on it. You would think that some things were self-explaining. Yet those things apparently had to be spelt out so that even idiots, who seemed to be abundant in the crew, could understand: It's not possible to teach a fruit user how to swim.

Luffy, who had been an excellent swimmer before the whole devil fruit business, obviously felt entitled to play the role of swimming instructor and displayed a perfect dry run of an arm stroke while his inattentive, or rather unconscious, student - namely Chopper - slowly sunk beneath the surface.

Fortunately, Zoro who had been sleeping on deck was quickly woken up by Luffy's vigorously blowing his instructor's whistle and instinctively jumped through the trapdoor into the fish tank to save the day – which didn't seem to please its current resident at all. Since Chopper had been put out of action due to this whole ordeal, Zoro had to pick the shark teeth out of his calf himself.

His instinct told him that the whole event was only the beginning of a upcoming disaster, which proved to be true when he entered the aquarium bar the next day, only to see Brook drifting by behind the glass – in the mouth of a seaking. When Nami caught Robin in a swimming suit and towel on her way towards the trapdoor, she spent a whole hour in a fit of raving madness.

* * *

 **Rule 27: Drab monotony of everyday life – or: They should all know by now how a normal day never turns out to be normal.**

#

 _No sharks in the fish tank. The first time was enough!_

 _\- The same applies to sea kings_

 _\- And fishmen._

#

"I just don't believe it!", Usopp sat at the kitchen table and muttered to himself. "I just don't believe it! I don't believe it!"

"What do you not believe?", Brook asked and starred into his tea cup. "That the captain thought a sea king in the fish tank wasn't 'cool' enough? That Franky-san suggested to catch a fishman? That they thought using Zoro-san as bait was a good idea? That Nami-san managed to destroy half the ship with her bare fists? Or the fact that Robin-san participated in this?"

"No", Usopp groaned and buried his face in his hands. "I just don't believe that they actually caught one."

* * *

 **Rule 35: Let each man be payed in full – or: Sometimes we are a lesson.**

#

 _Living is a right, not a privilege._

#

The crew went on strike two days after leaving Punk Hazard. The angry mob on the lawn counted Usopp, Chopper, Brook, Franky and Luffy while the opposition consisted of Nami and Sanji standing on the bridge and shouting obscenities down towards the aggressors.

Zoro and Robin sat on the side viewing the spectacle together with their guests. Momonosuke, Kinemon and Trafalgar Law had so far managed to escape the madness, but Caesar had it rough.

Luffy had somehow managed to force their prisoner into a bright orange shirt with the letters "Down With Tyranny" printed on it. He had dragged him, tied up like a parcel, into the centre of the lawn and Usopp had ordered the demonstrators to formate around him. There they stood, waving around signs and screaming, assisted by multiple arms sprouting out of Caesar's body making rude gestures towards the other party. Usopp had somehow gotten hold of a megaphone and exploited the situation by shouting into it.

"We may be men but we also have feelings!"

"I am the captain! Don't hit me!"

"We demand justice!"

"I'll show you justice! Get up here you cowards!"

"Bone abuser!"

"You assholes! Don't scream at Nami-swan!"

"Nami is the one who preys on us! It's not super!"

"Mutiny!"

"Brutal witch!"

"WHAT WAS THAT?!"

"Will they be stopping anytime soon?", Kinemon asked. "It's nearly noon and I am getting kind of hungry."

"Forget it", Zoro answered and yawned. "As a consequence of the strike the furred up dishwasher has decided to lay down his cooking spoon. The kitchen is closed for the day. No lunch."

"I guess that means no dinner either", Trafalgar Law deduced from the cooking knifes Sanji started to throw down at the angry mob.

"It's so nice to see them enjoying themselves", Robin smiled and flipped a finger from Caesars nose at the opposition.

"Oy Zoro!", Luffy shouted into the swordman's ear. He had managed to escape the hail of sharp knifes and skedaddled over to their side of the lawn. "Come on! You gotta stand up for your rights, too."

"Nah, I wanna stay sitting down."

Robin chuckled. "Any progress in overthrowing Nami's tyranny?"

Trafalgar Law raised his eyebrows at that. So this was the heart of the problem. In his mind he recalled the time he had threatened to castrate one of his own crew members with a rusty spoon. He desperately hoped that they would never get wind of this. It might inspire them.

By now the lawn was riddled with kitchen knifes.

"If only I had known that the love cook would ruin his stupid knifes over this", Zoro grumbled.

"Oh come on", Luffy wailed and pulled at his arm. "We are fighting for our right to live, here."

"Is that even worth fighting for?", Momonosuke asked and pointed towards the two fronts who had by now agreed on a ceasefire.

"Sure is", Luffy looked at him with strict eyes as if he had an important lesson to teach. "A life is always worth fighting for. Everybody deserves to live. Cause living is a right, not a privilege."

Sometime later that night, the Straw Hats decided that the statement was so epic, it needed writing down.

* * *

 **Rule 36: Pantry conversations – or: If Usopp had had a tone dial in his pocket he definitely would have recorded this for posterity.**

#

 _Murder is prohibited, unless:_

 _\- It's for the captain._

 _\- The bastard had it coming!_

#

"He looks dead."

"That's cause he is. Truly dead."

"Ah well, that's good news for his insurance."

"You think he had one?"

"Yeah, gramps once said they all have one."

"I see."

"So what are we gonna do now?"

"Ehhh, first I'd say we'll get out and close the door."

"Okay."

"So that we don't disturb him any further."

"Okay."

"Even though he is a marine - "

"Was."

"What?"

"Was. Was a marine."

"Right."

"So?"

"So what?"

"So 'even though he was a marine' …?"

"Even though he was a marine I think he does deserve at least some dignity."

"Doesn't seem like he still has much left."

"Doesn't mean he doesn't deserve some."

"So we get out."

"Yeah."

"And then?"

"And then we'll go back on deck and act like you didn't get hungry."

"Okay."

"We'll just act like you didn't want to search the pantry for some meat."

"Okay."

"You're not allowed to be here anyway."

"True."

"So we'll act like we didn't see anything."

"Okay."

"Then I'll try to find out how he got here."

"Okay."

"Discretely."

"Sounds good."

"...You'll be careful, won't you?"

"Sure."

"Cause you are a lousy liar."

"Hmm."

"I'll do the talking. Best you don't say anything at all."

"Okay."

"... Are we going then?"

"Hmmmmm …"

"What is it?"

"I think I've seen the face somewhere before, Usopp."

"What face?"

"His face."

"Luffy, there isn't any face attached to his head."

"I know, it's on the shelve to the right."

"Ah."

"Yeah."

"So you have seen it – _him_ before?"

"Yep, and you did, too. By the docks, remember?"

"You don't mean … ?"

"Yeah."

"So that was him?"

"I'd say so."

"Then where is Bruce?"

"Who's that?"

"His partner."

"He had a partner?"

"Yeah."

"Eh … Looking around I don't see him."

"Are you absolutely sure?"

"Course I am! He's not here."

"Positive?"

"Why don't you take a look around yourself if you don't believe me?"

"... I'd rather not."

"You are such a pussy, Usopp."

"Am not."

"Are too."

"... So no Bruce?"

"No! I already said – Oh, wait! There he is."

"Where?"

"Over there, by the pillar."

"Yeah, I see him. He looks gre- … better, at least. Than the other one"

"Unlike marine mystery guy, he's still the proud owner of a face."

"But then again he had to part with his legs."

"And some of his guts."

"I think they are in the corner over there."

"How did they get there?"

"In the corner? Well, somebody cut them out and -"

"No. I mean how did Brull and marine mystery guy get onboard my ship?"

"Bruce."

"And into my pantry?"

"Sanji's pantry."

"My ship, my pantry. I am the captain."

"There is a sign on the door reading: 'No Luffies allowed' and 'Beware of the chef'."

"Like I care, Usopp."

"That's what I told him."

"Who?"

"Sanji."

"Sanji!"

"Yeah, you know when he put up the sign-"

"No! I mean Sanji! It was Sanji! Sanji put them here!"

"Those two? Never!"

"Think about it. Nobody else gets here without Sanji knowing!"

"We are here."

"We are not exactly the commonwealth."

"I guess. But wait, why would Sanji do such a thing? Bringing two corpses here ..."

"Maybe they are dinner?"

"I damn well hope not!"

"Hmmm, then maybe he just wanted to hide them."

"In here? Why would he want to hide their bodies in the first place?"

"They were pretty rude, you know. I mean they tried to give Sanji a parking ticket."

"When we went on land with Mini Merry to get some supplies? Yeah, I remember."

"Sanji must have taken them back to the Sunny?"

"I think we would have noticed if he had done something like that!"

"Not if he put them in the boxes."

"You think they were in the fruit boxes?!"

"Brakey's guts still are."

"It's Bru- never mind that. You think Sanji is capable of murdering them, butchering them, taking them back on board the Sunny inside fruit boxes and then spreading them out on the shelves like that?!"

"Of course. Sanji is a pirate, you know."

"So am I!"

"You're right!"

"See! Sanji would never have -"

"It could have been you, Usopp!"

"It wasn't me!"

"You sure?"

"I think I would recall killing someone! And following your logic it could have been you as well. We three went to get supplies, remember?"

"You're right. But I don't -"

"What are you doing here?! Can't you read?!"

"AHHH!"

"AHHHHHH!"

"GAHHHHH!"

"WHY ARE YOU SCREAMING!?"

"COUSE YOU'RE SCREAMING!"

"STOP SCREAMING THEN!"

"YOU FIRST!"

"Alright! Alright! I stopped screaming, see!"

"What are you doing here?!"

"What are _they_ doing here?"

"Who?"

"Who he asks! Our two butchered guests, who else? The little green fairy?"

"Fairy? Where Usopp, where?"

"Shut it!"

"Oi, Don't tell me what to-!"

"How did you get in here?! Out of my -!"

"Alright! STOP IT!"

"..."

"..."

"Let's all calm down. You know, just stay calm."

"Okay."

"Sure."

"Good, good … WHAT HAPPENED?!"

"Happened? What do you mean what happened?"

"Well something did, duh."

"Nothing happened."

"Bruce and his friend beg to differ!"

"Wallak."

"What?!"

"Wallak, that is his name. Marine captain Wallak."

"Was."

"Eh?"

"Was. That was his name."

"Was it?"

"Ah. Yeah, what he said."

"Okay, Wallak then. That's nice."

"... I suppose … ?"

"Mystery guy is a cooler name, though."

"Wallak it is. And why is Wallak here?"

"Because I couldn't just leave him on the street."

"Why not?"

"There were ladies around."

"So that's why you brought him here?"

"No, that's why I put him in the boxes."

"See, Usopp! I told you!"

"But why is he here, Sanji?!"

"The post office was already closed. Where else could I take him but here?"

"... I give up."

"So, when are we going to eat him?"

"Yuck, Luffy! That's disgusting!"

"Then why is he in the pantry if we can't eat him? I'm staaaaaarving!"

"I put him in the pantry because it is nice and cool here. Outside in the sun he would start to smell."

"He is here so that he doesn't have to sweat?"

"Eh ..."

"What are we going to do with him?"

"I have been asking myself that ever since I first joined his crew -"

"Not Luffy! Wallak! I mean Wallak!"

"Ah. Don't worry Usopp. I'll just take him down to the post office tomorrow."

"Gahhhh! I'm going crazy! Just answer my question! How did he die?!"

"... He was blown to pieces, obviously."

"Why did you blow him to pieces?"

"I didn't. Bruce did."

"The guy over there?"

"That's what I just said, shitty captain."

"Why would Bruce kill his partner?"

"Course Bruce was a bastard."

"TALK!"

"Alright, alright! Keep your pants on. Bruce blew him up with his devil fruit power. They got into a fight over something petty and the guy Bruce just lost it and stabbed his own partner in the back."

"And then blew him up?"

"And then blew him up."

"After he was already dead?"

"Yeah, sick bastard. I saw it on my way back from grocery shopping and decided to clean up the mess, so I put them in the boxes. Then I went to the post office to sent them back to the Marine HQ. But it was already closed and I decided to take them back to the ship instead. I'll try again tomorrow."

"So you didn't kill Wallak?"

"No."

"Thank god."

"Who do you think I am?"

"Never mind it. So we'll be rid of them tomorrow."

"Yeah first thing in the morning."

"What a relief … Let's get out of here and leave them in peace."

"Great idea. I'm starving!"

"I'll make some ham sandwiches. You want some too, Usopp?"

"No thanks, I couldn't eat anything."

"How about some tea then?"

"Please."

"Let's go! Foooood!"

"... Sanji?"

"Hm?"

"You told us how Wallak got here, but tell me, why is Bruce dead?"

"Because I killed him."

"Ah."

"Yeah."

"... Why?"

"He was a bastard, that's why."

"... I see."

"Shishishi! I knew you had it in you, Sanji! A pirate through and through!"

* * *

 **Rule 37: Grass green – or: How to care for Marimos, a beginner's guide.**

#

 _Zoro's hair is green. That doesn't give you the right to put fertilizer in his shampoo. Or flowers in his hair._

#

"You know", Nami said to Robin, who sat next to her on the soft sun loungers, "as much as it annoys me that they fight all the time, sometimes it's really entertaining."

Robin smiled and sipped the drink Sanji had brought her before Zoro had tried to slice his head off. Both girls leaned back in their seats and watched their crew mates treat blows back and forth across the deck.

"What got them going this time?", Robin asked with interest.

Nami put her sunglasses over her eyes and stretched out her sun lounger. "Sanji put the fertilizer we use for the lawn into Zoro's shampoo bottle."

Robin chuckled quietly. "How nice of him."

She tilted her head and observed one of Zoro's slashes being deflected. "From up here his hair does look a bit fuller and healthier then normally, don't you think?"

Nami laughed heartily. "Remember when Sanji put those flowers in his hair while he was sleeping?"

"That was me", Robin smiled sweetly.

* * *

 **Rule 42: Monsters of a different kind - or: What would have been the last night of the "Straw Hats" if it hadn't been for the ever loyal first mate.**

 _#_

 _If you have to get somebody sloshed please abstain form the captain._

 _\- We all value our lives._

 _\- He is bad enough as it is._

#

Being first mate on a pirate ship was an unrewarding job. It meant taking responsibility, it meant laying your head on the block for the rest of the crew, it meant being loyal and reliable. It meant supporting the captain under all circumstances. Yes, being first mate was a back-breaking job.

Now, being the Straw Hat pirates' first mate was almost unbearable. In case of the Straw Hats, being first mate meant putting up with a whole lot of crazy shit.

Zoro shook his head mildly. He wondered, not for the first time since his admittedly ill-considered carrier change, at which point exactly he had been accorded this honour and why he had missed the boat back to normal life.

He took a swig from his rum bottle while keeping his eyes glued to his captain's back who was walking a few steps in front. Well, walking was probably stretching the term for whatever said captain was doing.

Luffy's upper body appeared to have a clear idea of where it was going and did its best to hurry along, while his legs didn't seem too keen on following the rest of their owner anywhere. He had fallen down twice already and had managed to entangle his limbs around street lamps four times – the fifth time had only narrowly been avoided due to an intervention on Zoro's part.

Yes, being Luffy's first mate was a back-breaking job. Still Zoro thought he had done well so far. After all he was being responsible right now by following his captain around through the narrow streets of a run down city in the middle of the night – while he could be back at the comfortable bar where there was booze - because said captain was so drunk that he couldn't control where to put his limbs anymore. Zoro was just glad that he hadn't thrown up yet.

Luffy never got drunk. _Never._ The crew made quite sure of that. A drunk Luffy was not a loose canon, he was a fucking loose warship.

Zoro sighed. Someone had obviously failed miserably and Zoro implored every higher being willing to listen that this certain someone hadn't been him.

He lifted his bottle for another gulp only to realize that it was empty. He glared at it as if it had personally offended him and then tossed it over his shoulder. How he wished to be back at the bar with the rest of his crew. Yet he was here in a dirty back alley trying to keep an eye on his crazy captain stumbling about and all of this just because … Bloody good question. Where were they going?

He passed on his dilemma.

"Luffy, where are we going?"

'We' was just a formality. After all it wasn't like Zoro had any say in the matter.

"Eh?", Luffy asked as he turned his head, only to sway from the path and collide with a brick wall. He would have landed in a pile of something unrecognisable and quite unappetising if Zoro hadn't caught him under his armpits. There he hang, swaying like a rubber band, and thoughtfully rubbed his neck.

"Ya know, Zoro, that's a bloody good – Hat!" He sprung upright and carried out a waving motion with his finger which Zoro took as an attempt to tap his forehead. "I need a hat!"

Zoro rolled his eyes but kept a firm grip on his captain's arms. He had gathered that much. "Yeah, you already said so", he said - glancing at the famous straw hat tied around Luffy's neck - "but why by the seas do you need another hat?"

Luffy however had already slipped out of his grasp and bolted around the next corner.

"Shit!", Zoro cursed and chased after him, hoping that he hadn't lost his captain yet. Even drunk off his face Luffy could be incredibly nimble.

Only seconds later, a loud crash and muffled whine informed him that Luffy couldn't have gotten far. In his euphoria he had been stricken down by the next available street lamp and went tumbling to the ground, but not without breaking a display window on his way. How Luffy managed to cause chaos everywhere he went would forever remain a mystery to him.

"Zoro! Help! My fingers got knotted!"

"Aye, captain", Zoro mumbled and rubbed his forehead. He felt a headache coming. A few more years like that and he would get burnout. He seriously needed a vacation. Did pirate crews have sick leave?

Zoro made his way over to Luffy, crouched down next to him on the ground and eyed the tangled mass of fingers. The things he did for this idiot.

He started prying apart the digits while keeping an eye out for trouble. Thankfully nobody had heard the breaking glass and the street remained silent apart from Luffy's snickers.

"Shishishishi! Thanks, Zoro."

"No big deal. Now why don't we – Hey! What are you doing?!"

"Just taking a look around", Luffy answered and without waiting for Zoro's response he climbed into the shop whose window he had just crashed into.

"That's housebreaking", Zoro spluttered as he silently followed him through the window while carefully avoiding to slit his hands on the shards. Was that blood on Luffy's arms?

"Pirate", his captain declared as he darted between the shelves packed with jewellery and gems. "I'll do what I want." Yeah, Zoro knew he would.

"These actually look pretty neat", he whistled as he followed his captain to the back of the store and noticed the sparkling reflections of the street lights made by gold and silver. Leave it to Luffy to actually break into the only jewellery store of the whole run down city – probably the whole run down island.

"AHA! GOT ONE!"

"Shit! Shut it, rubber brain! Someone will hear you!", Zoro hissed but Luffy didn't pay attention to him. He had disappeared around a shelf out of Zoro's sight and had obviously found whatever he was looking for.

"So, what do you say?"

Zoro didn't know what to say. He opened his mouth, closed it, opened it again, licked his lips, closed it – yeah, best he didn't say anything at all. So he just grunted.

"Hn."

"Cool, huh?"

"Eh, well -"

"I'll take it."

"Ah." As if Luffy needed reassurance. Whatever it was that his captain now proudly displayed on his head, it was NOT – not even by Zoro's standards, though he was quite inexperienced in the fashion department – NOT a hat. It was green, knitted, stuffed with large feathers on one side and hung with beads on the other. But worst of all it was _huge_. So huge that Luffy seemed to simply disappear beneath it.

At this horrid sight Zoro found his voice again. "You want to take _that_ back?"

"Yeah, it'll be the new hat."

"What?"

"Shishishi! It's great, isn't it. Just when I needed a new one. We'll take it back with us and tomorrow we'll put it on the flag and -"

"No."

"Huh?"

"No way!" Zoro bolted forward whipped the monstrosity off Luffy's head.

"Hey -", Luffy began fiercely but Zoro silenced him by digging a finger into his chest.

"Now listen here, idiot! We are the Straw Hat pirates. Straw Hat! If you even think about putting _that_ on the flag, I'll be up and leaving before you can paint the first stroke!"

"My crew, my rules! I can do whatever I want!"

"Try, you bastard!"

"I will!"

"You already have Shanks' hat!"

"WE HAD A FIGHT!", Luffy exploded.

"Ah?" Zoro asked blankly.

"Hat and I, we had a fight."

Zoro blinked. And blinked. And blinked again. He scratched his head.

"You had a fight?" Luffy nodded.

"You and a hat?" Another nod.

" _The_ hat?" Luffy grumbled affirmatively.

" _Your_ hat?"

"Aye, that's what I just said!", Luffy bit out and stamped his foot. "You are so slow, Zoro!"

"What was the fight about?"

"Non'a your business!"

"Ah."

"Yeah, so I need a new one. I can't sail with that one anymore."

"Eh … listen here Luffy, I'm sure your hat didn't mean it."

"Yes, he did!"

"Won't you give him another chance?"

"Don't wanna!"

"I see."

Luffy nodded vigorously. He made a funny picture, standing in the middle of a dark jewellery store, pouting like a child and swaying dangerously. He was definitely drunk off his face and Zoro was definitely not drunk enough for this shit.

"Luffy, you still can't put _this_ on our flag."

"Why not?"

 _Because I'll skin you if you do_. "Because ..." _Because the world would make fun of us._ "Because … " _Because you are 'Straw Hat' Luffy, for god's sake._ "Because … It won't fit on the flag! It's too big! See!"

He held up the hat towards his captain. It was indeed enormous, at least twice the size of a Jolly Roger.

Luffy blinked owlishly at him while Zoro sent a thousand silent prayers - _Fall for it, please be an idiot and fall for it!_ \- towards heaven. Then Luffy leaned forward, swaying on his tiptoes – Zoro expected him to collapse any moment - and examined the big green _thing_ extensively.

"Hmmmm … you know what, Zoro, I think you're right."

Oh, thank the lord.

"Wait here, I think there was a smaller one -"

"No!", Zorro yelled and grabbed the back of Luffy's shirt.

"Oi!", Luffy nagged, trying to free himself from his friend's grip. "Gah, Zoro! You're chocking me, let go!"

"Promise me you won't run away again?"

"Yes! Let me go!"

"Okay", Zoro agreed and put Luffy back on his feet. "Now, let's stop this and go back to the bar. I need a drink."

"Well _I_ need a new hat! Come on, Zoro!"

"Please Luffy, before somebody sees us in -"

"I need one!"

Zoro sighed. He looked at his captain, really looked at him - he pout, the unruly hair, the wrinkled clothes, the scratched up forearms, the big watery eyes, his swaying drunken frame - and gave up.

He would never truly understand Luffy. He might be better at it then the rest of the crew, but he would never fully understand him. Then again, who could blame him?

It made no sense at all but he _was_ the first mate. Whatever the captain wanted, he had to made sure that the captain got. Even if it meant helping him find a new hat. After all he also had to make sure that the true lucky holder of that title wouldn't get lost in the chaos that was sure to follow. Once sober and realizing that his hat was missing, Luffy would kill him.

"Alright, alright, I'll help you get another hat. Can't be to difficult ..."

Zoro knew he had lost this battle. But hey, they were pirates. Ruthless, brutal, outlawed criminals. Legally they were allowed to do anything. And apparently that included the absolute right to act utterly ridiculous.

 _To hell with it_ , Zoro thought as he raked his fingers through his hair. He wouldn't have it any other way.

The next day their little late night escapades hit the headlines.

 _ **Break in at down town jewellery store. Nothing stolen.**_

" _'... after the police showed up on the scene, the thieves made a successful escape under the cover of night. Investigation is still ongoing. However, why the burglars did not steal any of the merchandise – some of their worth is estimated to be up to one hundred million beries – may remain a mystery.'_ Let this be a lesson to you, you phenomenally idiotic apes! Dilettantes!"

"Rein it in, witch!", Zoro grumbled at Nami who hit him over the head with the crumbled newspaper. "You know how this idiot is! The best I could do was making sure he didn't cause anymore damage!"

"Shut up!"

"I'm so sorry", Luffy mumbled through his spit lip while Nami shook his collar. The big green monstrosity of a hat lay next to him on the lawn of the Thousand Sunny. No one from the rest of the crew had the courage to ask where it came from. "I didn't mean to break in. I don't remember what happened."

"Why?!"

"I didn't mean -"

"Why didn't you take any treasure?! You two make me die, you do!"

They tried to sell the hat instead. It wasn't worth a beri.

* * *

 **Rule 44: Free body culture – or: Set free your inner pervert.**

#

 _On board the Thousand Sunny, wearing clothes covering at least your private parts is compulsory._

 _\- It's not up for debate._

 _\- This rule applies to ALL crew members, male AND female._

#

"What the hell?", Usopp mumbled in horror when they stepped out onto the deck. "Tell me I'm not seeing this."

Zoro opened his mouth to answer but only croaked before shaking his head in dismay.

"Oh my", Robin smiled cheerfully.

"That looks like fun", Luffy said from his seat on top of the railing. "And it wasn't me", he quickly added when he saw their quizzical looks. "Why is it always my fault?"

"Because it usually is your fault", Nami answered as she made her way over to them.

"You have no shame, woman!", Zoro yelled and tried his hardest to keep his eyes fixed on her face and not let them stray below her neckline. Usopp was suddenly immensely interested in the wall to his right. Luffy stared shamelessly.

"Why are you naked?", he asked bluntly.

"Well", she purred and leaned forward into Zoro's space. "I locked Sanji into the kitchen, so why shouldn't I? I got nothing to fear from you guys, right?" She lightly stroked her finger over the underside of Zoro's chin who immediately tensed up and went beet red. Usopp's breathing escalated into a severe coughing fit. Robin chuckled into her palm.

"Why would I want that?", Luffy deadpanned and jerked his chin towards her body. He let out a small squeak when the blow had him tumbling over the railing and Zoro had never been more grateful for an opportunity to jump into the sea.

"Umm", Usopp stuttered with his eyes still looking anywhere but at his vis a vis. "Could you please put your clothes back on?"

"Relax, bro!", Franky bellowed and struck a pose while Usopp's face slowly turned green. "Live a little! Set free your inner pervert!" His underpants lay discarded underneath the swing.

"Franky", Robin asked sweetly and pointed at the blue fabric clutched in one of his massive hands. "Are those Chopper's trousers?"

Franky loud laughter was answer enough. Usopp decided that Zoro might need some help with his life guard duties. That was the second time Franky found his manhood threatened my the Demon of Ohara.

* * *

 **Rule 45: Celestial sounds – or: What remains of them after they've been dropped from high heaven.**

#

 _Only licensed musicians are authorized to play an instrument on board the Thousand Sunny._

 _\- Regardless of the time of day._

 _\- Singing will only be tolerated at parties or under supervision._

#

Sanji knew, not least due to childhood experiences, that the violin could be a melodious and enchanting instrument. However he also knew from experience, that it required a sophisticated and talented musician to fully unfold its hidden sonority. If he took into account that the very same instrument that was being violated at this very moment originated from an ancient floating coffin, the same ship which had literally fallen out of the sky and sunk to the bottom of the ocean, it was not surprising that the sounds he could make out from the deck tried their hardest to rape his auditory canal.

He was about to get out of the kitchen and put an end to the torture with some solid arguments and a kick to the head, when he heard the door of the men's quarters hit the wall.

"GODDAMNITALLTOHELL!", came a scream that made no bones about the fact that Chopper's ears were much more sensitive than Sanji's own. And that he had stacked up on his rumble balls. "DO IT PROPERLY OR LEAVE IT ALONE!"

What followed was heavenly silence.

Maybe Sanji would have put down rule 46 sooner if he had known that only days later, Luffy would make off with a Skypedian harp.

* * *

 **Rule 46: All deep things are songs – or: We may be scoundrels but at least we have music.**

#

 _We do not have an official crew song nor do we need one._

#

"Oh god! Not again!", Nami moaned and pulled her blanket over her head. It did nothing to block out the loud and off-key singing drifting up from the deck into the women's quarters.

 _"Nine good fellas on the Seaking's throne ~"_

 _"With Roger in the wind – jolly to the bone ~"_

 _"Hojaho – Hejahooooo!"_

Nami considered getting out of bed on a search for Franky, to blackmail him into soundproofing the room.

 _"The ocean so wast with water and waves ~"_

But then again, he was down there performing a quintet.

 _"and at the bottom deep blue indeed ~"_

 _"The capt'n sitting on shore, waiting for days ~"_

 _"well, sitting, not really, for he was asleep ~"_

Vigorously she threw of her blanket and sat up. Robin, who lay in the other bed but had long given up on sleep herself, looked equally miserable.

Who would have thought that Luffy's request for an official crew song would turn out to be a disaster? On announcement of his mission Brook had locked himself into the crow's nest for three days, much to the concern of the rest of the crew – except for the captain. When he had finally emerged on the forth day, it was together with nine verses of lyrical profanity.

Nami did not care for the blatant excitement which had suddenly taken over ship and crew. Nor did she care in the slightest that even Sanji admitted that the song matched like the much-cited chalk and cheese.

 _"Bink's barrel was drunk up, down to the end ~"_

 _"And all was merry and sunny and 'round the bend ~"_

 _"Hojaho – Hejahooooo!"_

She got up to pull out some cotton wool from her makeup stand, before throwing the bag to Robin and stuffing it into her ears. She just wanted to be left in peace, was that too much to ask for? Only some peace – and maybe more than just one crew member with a spark of musical talent.

Yes, she could not care less for the horrible song. But she cared very much for the bright smile it brought to Brook's skull.

* * *

 **Rule 48: In good times and in bad – or: Another paved road to hell.**

#

 _The captain is allowed to officiate marriages._

 _\- The captain is obliged to obtain the lucky couples' permission before he does so!_

#

"I love you, Luffy!"

"I know."

"I swear from now on I'm never going to kick you out off the kitchen again! You can have all the meat in the world you like!"

"Really?!"

"I love you, captain! Thank you soooooo much!"

"Glad to help."

"Luffy! I AM GOING TO KILL YOU!"

"Please don't."

When Zoro woke up from his early morning nap on deck, he was greeted by a rather bizarre sight.

It wasn't unusual to see Sanji on his knees with heart shaped eyes, clinging to another person and declaring his undying love. It wasn't unusual either to see the crew's navigator swinging her fists and boiling with anger while screaming bloody murderer. Neither was it unusual to see the rest of the crew trying to calm her down, which in this case meant hanging onto her for dear life.

It was however very unusual for Luffy to be at the centre of Sanji's affection.

Their captain stood on the grass with crossed arms, totally unimpressed by the chef wrapped around his midriff, and withstood Nami's death glare with the confidence of a man who was dead certain that he had done the right thing.

Zoro wasn't so sure. He had never in his whole life seen her this out off it and judging by the terrified faces of the rest of the crew, he wasn't the only one.

He caught Robin's eyes but she subtly shook her head. Now apparently wasn't the time to ask.

"Please Nami", Robin tried with a smoothing voice. "I'm sure the captain only wanted the best -"

"I don't care!", Nami thundered and shook Robin's hand off her shoulder. "Monkey D. Luffy! You bastard!"

"Nami-swaaaaan! Isn't he just the best?! Darling, are you happy? I will devote my life to you!"

"Shut up! One more word from you Sanji and I swear to you that I'll wring your neck so badly that you will have to walk backwards for life!"

Nami started to struggle even harder while a very pale Usopp encouraged his comerades-in-arms not to let go while his own terror was written all over his face. Franky didn't look one iota more confident and Chopper had started to tremble all over.

Zoro decided that it was safer to keep his distance.

"You fucking ape!", Nami raged on. "Annul this! Now!"

"Don't wanna", Luffy replied stubbornly and pouted.

"You are the best captain in the world!", Sanji declared for everyone who wanted to hear.

Zoro certainly didn't and so he made a point to quietly disappear up into the crown's nest.

It was only when he found a very tight-lipped and also very sullen Luffy next to him on the bench later that evening that he had the courage to ask.

"Well", Luffy mumbled through his impressive collection of colourful bruises. "I only tried to help."

Zoro arched a brow as he examined the bloody tooth Luffy chose to spit on the ground. "I see."

Luffy made a face only to flinch from the pain. They were silent for a while.

"Didn't go well, did it?", Zoro noted dryly.

"You don't say?"

Zoro's eyes found the tooth again. "Ah."

They listened to the sound of the waves hitting the bow only interrupted by an occasional snivel. Luffy cracked first.

"I honestly only wanted to help", he wailed and rubbed his black eye. "We are sailing in the New World now. It's going to get even more dangerous and with Sanji having all these nose bleeds … He nearly died on Fishman Island, you know!"

"And what made you think that marrying him off to Nami would make anything better?"

"That's obvious, isn't it?"

"Not to me."

The look Luffy gave him told Zoro that his captain thought him really stupid. "Sanji gets like that because he looks at girls and stuff, right?" Luffy started his lecture with angelic patience. "Once you are married you don't look at other women. So he would be cured. It's logic."

Zoro stared at the man in front of him. It took a while for him to regain his speech. "I don't think that would stop him."

"Hah? 'Course it would. That's how it works."

"... I see."

"I can be plenty smart, you know?"

"Hm."

"You are such a dork, Zoro."

Zoro couldn't help put chuckle quietly. "Don't worry, I'll have a word with Nami."

"She'll kill you. That witch."

"Ah."

Sometimes Zoro really wanted to see the world through Monkey D. Luffy's eyes. It seamed to be a better place.

 **~ END ~**

* * *

Well, that was fun. If you have struggled all the way through to the end: Thank you very much for reading. Please tell me if you liked it by leaving a little something behind. An amateur author always likes to know if their work is appreciated.

About the origin of this story: These are small drabbles that I have collected over a long time and finally decided to try to put together under one heading. The code seemed to fit. I especially enjoyed writing this fic because I got the chance to explore the characters. Did I get them right?

I marked this as complete because for now it is. However, there are still some rules to explore and if my brain bothers me again with this kind of nonsense … who knows, maybe there will be some more.


End file.
